jnow = new Date(); seed = jnow.getTime(); qc = new Array(); qz = new Array(); qz.push("'' -- Marcel Marceau"); qz.push("--------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ----------"); qz.push("186,000 miles per second-it's not just a good idea, it's the law!"); qz.push("24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?"); qz.push("668: The Neighbor of the Beast"); qz.push("90% of everything is crud."); qz.push("90% of the time I'm right, so why worry about the other 3%?"); qz.push("A cheap dominatrix would offer bargain debasement"); qz.push("A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking."); qz.push("A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it??"); qz.push("A day without orange juice is like a day without vodka"); qz.push("A day without sunshine is like night."); qz.push("A dog may bark, but his legs will never grow longer."); qz.push("A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother."); qz.push("A gleekzorp without a ternpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of)"); qz.push("A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."); qz.push("A man is incomplete till he is married; then he is finished."); qz.push("A nuclear war can ruin your whole day."); qz.push("A Plateau is the highest form of flattery."); qz.push("A procrastinator's work is never done"); qz.push("A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep."); qz.push("A rolling stone gathers momentum."); qz.push("A thrifty housewife always peels potatoes twice."); qz.push("A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast."); qz.push("Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy."); qz.push("Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill."); qz.push("aibohphobia, (n. The fear of palindromes)"); qz.push("All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."); qz.push("All rules have exceptions - except the ones that don't"); qz.push("All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?"); qz.push("Allow me to introduce my selves."); qz.push("Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back."); qz.push("Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn."); qz.push("Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way."); qz.push("Alzheimer's - You get to hide your own Easter eggs"); qz.push("Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."); qz.push("An Apple a day keeps Windows away."); qz.push("An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible."); qz.push("An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it."); qz.push("An intelligent dyslexic is smucking fart"); qz.push("Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake."); qz.push("Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all."); qz.push("And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?"); qz.push("Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree."); qz.push("Any sufficient advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."); qz.push("Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced."); qz.push("Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well."); qz.push("Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something."); qz.push("Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw"); qz.push("Arachnohomophobia: Fear of gay spiders"); qz.push("Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid."); qz.push("As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."); qz.push("Ask a fish head anything you want to. It won't answer you; they can't talk."); qz.push("Atheism is a nonprophet organization."); qz.push("Avoid Alliteration. Always."); qz.push("Avoid cliches like the plague."); qz.push("Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie."); qz.push("Back the Metric System every inch of the way!"); qz.push("Be alert. The world needs more lerts."); qz.push("Be different: Conform."); qz.push("Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean - against doors, tables, walls."); qz.push("Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore."); qz.push("Before you do anything, you have to do something else first."); qz.push("Before you suspect conspiracy, don't rule out incompetence."); qz.push("Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!"); qz.push("Bend a carrot if you will, but a turnip will never bend."); qz.push("Bigamy is having one husband or wife too many. Monogamy is the same."); qz.push("Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis."); qz.push("Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero."); qz.push("Budget: A method for going broke methodically."); qz.push("Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?"); qz.push("Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants."); qz.push("Caution, I am naked under my clothes."); qz.push("Celibacy is not hereditary."); qz.push("Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."); qz.push("Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done."); qz.push("Character is what you are in the dark"); qz.push("Clever is getting out alive."); qz.push("Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage."); qz.push("Commit Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty"); qz.push("Condense soup, not books!"); qz.push("Condom companies have trojan wars"); qz.push("Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation."); qz.push("Conscience - the inner voice warning you that somebody is looking"); qz.push("Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."); qz.push("Constipation causes people not to give a crap."); qz.push("Cooperation can only be reached if we work together."); qz.push("Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy."); qz.push("Cunning linguists do it with words"); qz.push("Death is life's way of telling you you're fired."); qz.push("Death to all fanatics!"); qz.push("Death: To stop sinning suddenly."); qz.push("Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before."); qz.push("Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes."); qz.push("Department of Redundancy Department"); qz.push("Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way."); qz.push("Do not believe in miracles - rely on them."); qz.push("Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup."); qz.push("Do not regret growing old; many are denied the privilege."); qz.push("Do not remove a fly from a friend's forehead with a chopstick."); qz.push("Do they ever shut up on your planet?"); qz.push("Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?"); qz.push("Do witches run spell checkers?"); qz.push("Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?"); qz.push("Does anal retentive have a hyphen?"); qz.push("Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?"); qz.push("Don't be redundant by repeating yourself."); qz.push("Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say."); qz.push("Don't believe everything you think."); qz.push("Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it."); qz.push("Don't drink and park - accidents cause people."); qz.push("Don't feed the bats tonight."); qz.push("Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'till noon."); qz.push("Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance."); qz.push("Don't let schooling get in the way of your education."); qz.push("Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."); qz.push("Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."); qz.push("Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway."); qz.push("Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you."); qz.push("Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind."); qz.push("Dont steal, the government hates competition...."); qz.push("Double your drive space. Delete Windows."); qz.push("Draft beer, not people."); qz.push("Driver carries no cash. He's married."); qz.push("Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route."); qz.push("Duct tape is like the force-there is a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together."); qz.push("Dyslexics are teople poo."); qz.push("Dyslexics Untie! "); qz.push("Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines."); qz.push("EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later."); qz.push("earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can."); qz.push("Earth is full. Go home."); qz.push("Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal."); qz.push("Education teaches rules; experience teaches exceptions"); qz.push("Elephants never forget, but you seldom see a kangaroo with a zipper."); qz.push("Entropy isn't what it used to be."); qz.push("Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue."); qz.push("Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."); qz.push("Eschew obfuscation."); qz.push("Etiquette - saying 'No, thank you' when you want to yell 'Gimme'"); qz.push("Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work."); qz.push("Even the most wrinkled prune has a pit."); qz.push("Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."); qz.push("Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking."); qz.push("Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer."); qz.push("Everything is possible; just not too probable."); qz.push("Everything put together sooner or later falls apart."); qz.push("Everything takes longer than you think."); qz.push("Everywhere's walking distance if you have the time"); qz.push("Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement."); qz.push("Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be."); qz.push("Excess is never too much in moderation."); qz.push("Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Die anyway."); qz.push("Expect the quest to break your heart at least once"); qz.push("Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."); qz.push("Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--"); qz.push("Few men look trustworthy with their pants off"); qz.push("Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches/sec."); qz.push("First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed."); qz.push("For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."); qz.push("For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord."); qz.push("Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal."); qz.push("Get a taste of religion... Lick a witch!"); qz.push("Getting on your feet means getting off your butt."); qz.push("Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks."); qz.push("Give me a couple of years and I'll make you an overnight success."); qz.push("Give me ambiguity, or give me something else."); qz.push("Give your child mental blocks for Christmas."); qz.push("God is love; Satan is 30 and up one set."); qz.push("God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier."); qz.push("God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends."); qz.push("God must love stupid people. He made SO many."); qz.push("Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2."); qz.push("Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?"); qz.push("Grandchildren - God's reward for parents who survive"); qz.push("Gravity always gets me down."); qz.push("Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks."); qz.push("Half of the people in the world are below average."); qz.push("Hang up and drive."); qz.push("Happiness is the Ball in the Fairway."); qz.push("Happiness: The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others."); qz.push("Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now."); qz.push("He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard."); qz.push("He who hesitates is probably right."); qz.push("Heisenberg may have been here."); qz.push("Helmet Laws interfere with natural selection"); qz.push("Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply."); qz.push("Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!"); qz.push("Hindsight is an exact science."); qz.push("Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."); qz.push("Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle."); qz.push("Honk if you hate peace and quiet."); qz.push("Honk If you want to see my finger."); qz.push("Hot parts look exactly like cold parts."); qz.push("How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?"); qz.push("How do I set a laser printer to stun?"); qz.push("How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?"); qz.push("Humans were invented by water for transporting it uphill."); qz.push("I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!"); qz.push("I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on."); qz.push("I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office."); qz.push("I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower."); qz.push("I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun."); qz.push("I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."); qz.push("I'm just the machine that hormones use to carry out their evil plans"); qz.push("I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years."); qz.push("I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."); qz.push("I'm one with the Universe---on a scale from 1 to 10."); qz.push("I'm pink, therefore I'm SPAM."); qz.push("I'm still a hot babe, but now it it comes in flashes."); qz.push("I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity."); qz.push("I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?"); qz.push("I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."); qz.push("I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."); qz.push("I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine."); qz.push("I've heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading."); qz.push("I've no time to prepare a profound message."); qz.push("I've truncated, and I can't round up!"); qz.push("I always wanted to be a procrastinator!"); qz.push("I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life"); qz.push("I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead."); qz.push("I can't define irony;but, I know it when I see it"); qz.push("I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one."); qz.push("I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!"); qz.push("I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!"); qz.push("I disagree with unanimity."); qz.push("I don't care who you are, what you drive, or where you'd rather be."); qz.push("I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs."); qz.push("I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit."); qz.push("I don't have a solution but I admire the problem."); qz.push("I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."); qz.push("I don't think, therefore I am not."); qz.push("I doubt, therefore I might be."); qz.push("I drink to make other people interesting."); qz.push("I feel better after I wine a little."); qz.push("I fish, therefore I lie."); qz.push("I fought the lawn, and the lawn won."); qz.push("I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time."); qz.push("I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?"); qz.push("I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not."); qz.push("I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane."); qz.push("I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and madness so many times that I have all but rubbed it out."); qz.push("I have my doubts about disbelief."); qz.push("I have the body of a god. Buddha."); qz.push("I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on a disk somewhere"); qz.push("I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"); qz.push("I liked 'Slaughterhouse 5', but I can't find the first four anywhere."); qz.push("I live on the edge. All my friends are there."); qz.push("I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?"); qz.push("I own my own body, but I share."); qz.push("I poke badgers with spoons."); qz.push("I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."); qz.push("I said no to drugs, but they didn't listen."); qz.push("I took an IQ test and the results were negative."); qz.push("I tried to be apathetic but I couldn't commit"); qz.push("I try to be as perverted as the situation calls for"); qz.push("I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now."); qz.push("I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."); qz.push("I used to have a photgraphic memory, but it was never developed..."); qz.push("I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."); qz.push("I went to the doctor for a check-up. It was ok, he was there."); qz.push("I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than drive with Ted Kennedy. "); qz.push("IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use."); qz.push("If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?"); qz.push("If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?"); qz.push("If a wrench won't work...get a bigger hammer."); qz.push("If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."); qz.push("If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!"); qz.push("If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!"); qz.push("If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."); qz.push("If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults."); qz.push("If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane."); qz.push("If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on."); qz.push("If God had meant for penguins to fly, he would have given them wings."); qz.push("If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?"); qz.push("If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?"); qz.push("If I look confused it's because I'm thinking."); qz.push("If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms."); qz.push("If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic."); qz.push("If it's not on fire then it's a software problem."); qz.push("If it's not one thing, it's your mother."); qz.push("If it's worth doing, it's worth hiring someone who knows how to do it."); qz.push("If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it."); qz.push("If it isn't broken, fix it until it is."); qz.push("If it tastes good, it's trying to kill you"); qz.push("If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go"); qz.push("If Milli Vanilli falls down in the woods, does someone else make a sound?"); qz.push("If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will."); qz.push("If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?"); qz.push("If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"); qz.push("If the phone doesn't ring, it's me."); qz.push("If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?"); qz.push("If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance."); qz.push("If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me."); qz.push("If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?"); qz.push("If we all work together, we can beat this reality thing!"); qz.push("If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively."); qz.push("If you're happy and you know it see a shrink."); qz.push("If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate."); qz.push("If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it."); qz.push("If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy."); qz.push("If you believe in telekenesis, raise my hands."); qz.push("If you believe in telepathy, think about honking."); qz.push("If you can't be weird, why be?"); qz.push("If you can't read this, thank the teacher's union."); qz.push("If you can read this, you're not the president."); qz.push("If you cannot convince them, confuse them."); qz.push("If you don't care where you are, you're not lost."); qz.push("If you had everything, where would you keep it?"); qz.push("If you hear an onion ring, answer it."); qz.push("If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored."); qz.push("If you understand something today, it must be obsolete."); qz.push("If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen."); qz.push("If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for two weeks."); qz.push("If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?"); qz.push("Illiterate? Write for help!"); qz.push("Imagination is the foundation of reality."); qz.push("In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take."); qz.push("In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes."); qz.push("In dog years, I'm dead!."); qz.push("In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light.' And there was still nothing, but everybody could see it."); qz.push("In theory, everything works."); qz.push("In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is a big difference."); qz.push("Intel: Putting the 'backward' in 'backward compatible'."); qz.push("Interchangeable parts aren't."); qz.push("Introducing 'lite', the new way to spell 'light', with 20% fewer letters!"); qz.push("IRS: Be Audit You Can Be."); qz.push("Is it time for your medication or mine?"); qz.push("It's a mistake to allow any mechanical object to know you're in a hurry."); qz.push("It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."); qz.push("It's all a pigment of your hallucination."); qz.push("It's bad luck to be superstitious."); qz.push("It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys."); qz.push("It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."); qz.push("It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one."); qz.push("It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere."); qz.push("It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools."); qz.push("It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it."); qz.push("It's only a game until you lose."); qz.push("It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature."); qz.push("It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."); qz.push("It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out."); qz.push("It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."); qz.push("It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly."); qz.push("It takes two heterosexuals to make one homosexual"); qz.push("Jack Kevorkian for White House physician."); qz.push("Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."); qz.push("Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk."); qz.push("Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite."); qz.push("Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!"); qz.push("Jesus saves. He uses double coupons."); qz.push("Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them."); qz.push("Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean somebody ISN'T following me!"); qz.push("Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils - people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing."); qz.push("Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!"); qz.push("Keep that sense of humor; it's critical."); qz.push("Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button."); qz.push("Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids."); qz.push("Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic."); qz.push("Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil."); qz.push("Laughter is the closest distance between two people."); qz.push("Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly)."); qz.push("Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself."); qz.push("Let's skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!"); qz.push("Liberal Arts major: will think for food."); qz.push("Life's a beach, and then you drown."); qz.push("Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch."); qz.push("Life in a vacuum sucks."); qz.push("Life is a terminal disease."); qz.push("Life is just one of those things."); qz.push("Life is sexually transmitted"); qz.push("Life is short. So buy the shoes!"); qz.push("Life would be easier if I had the source code."); qz.push("Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual."); qz.push("Look out for #1. Don't step in #2."); qz.push("Love is like pi---natural, irrational, and VERY important."); qz.push("Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener."); qz.push("Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change."); qz.push("Mean people suck"); qz.push("Memory - the thing I forget with"); qz.push("Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open."); qz.push("Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure."); qz.push("Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours."); qz.push("Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me."); qz.push("Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch."); qz.push("MOP AND GLO - The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."); qz.push("My dog can lick anyone!"); qz.push("My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states."); qz.push("My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still."); qz.push("My Mother was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips"); qz.push("My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."); qz.push("My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."); qz.push("My uncle had a rabbit's foot for 25 years. The other foot was normal."); qz.push("My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her - or something like that."); qz.push("National Spellling Bee Runer-Up."); qz.push("Nebraska: At least the cows are sane."); qz.push("Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results."); qz.push("Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity."); qz.push("Never be afraid to face reality or indulge in fantasy"); qz.push("Never believe generalizations."); qz.push("Never cut what you can untie."); qz.push("Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with."); qz.push("Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat."); qz.push("Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that."); qz.push("Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely."); qz.push("Never stick it in anything you can't see clearly"); qz.push("New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico."); qz.push("Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"); qz.push("No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas."); qz.push("No one is listening until you make a mistake."); qz.push("No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others."); qz.push("No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it."); qz.push("No, officer. I do not wish to give up my right to remain silent!!??"); qz.push("Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be"); qz.push("Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature."); qz.push("Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath."); qz.push("Nuke the unborn gay whales for Jesus!"); qz.push("NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."); qz.push("Of all the people I know, you're one of them."); qz.push("Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."); qz.push("Old age comes at a bad time."); qz.push("Old Yiddish proverb: 'If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides.'"); qz.push("On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not."); qz.push("On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path."); qz.push("On your mark, get set, go away!"); qz.push("Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse."); qz.push("One item could not be deleted because it was missing."); qz.push("One planet is all you get."); qz.push("One should never generalize."); qz.push("One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."); qz.push("One who objects to being a sex object, probably couldn't be"); qz.push("Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles."); qz.push("Only Christians could believe in Hell enough to go there"); qz.push("Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."); qz.push("Out of my mind - back in five minutes."); qz.push("People like you are the reason people like me need medication."); qz.push("Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic!"); qz.push("Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more."); qz.push("Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."); qz.push("Political Correctness? Blow me."); qz.push("Practice safe government---use kingdoms."); qz.push("Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment."); qz.push("Prejudiced people are all alike."); qz.push("Prepositions are not words to end sentences with."); qz.push("Procrastinate now."); qz.push("Profanity is one language all programmers know best."); qz.push("Proofread carefully to see if you any words out."); qz.push("Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."); qz.push("Q: How do you spell 'onomatopoeia'? A: The way it sounds."); qz.push("Q: Where does virgin wool come from? A: Ugly sheep."); qz.push("Quality Control? You mean it might get out of hand?"); qz.push("Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of."); qz.push("RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure."); qz.push("Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art."); qz.push("Reality is a figment of your imagination."); qz.push("Rehab is for quitters!"); qz.push("Remember, you are a completely unique and distinct individual. Just like everyone else."); qz.push("Repetition is always better the second time."); qz.push("Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm)."); qz.push("Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors."); qz.push("San Diego: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful."); qz.push("Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them."); qz.push("Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."); qz.push("Save a tree. Eat a beaver."); qz.push("Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl."); qz.push("Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes."); qz.push("Save the whales, collect the whole set."); qz.push("Say 'NO' to drugs. That will bring the prices down."); qz.push("Seen on Pavlov's door: 'Knock. Don't ring bell.'"); qz.push("Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!"); qz.push("Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer."); qz.push("She looked at me as though I were a side dish she hadn't ordered."); qz.push("Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark."); qz.push("Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?"); qz.push("Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS."); qz.push("Silly humans. Nothing is catproof."); qz.push("Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."); qz.push("So just what ARE time flies, and why do they like an ARROW?"); qz.push("So many cats, so few recipes."); qz.push("So many stupid people, and so few asteroids."); qz.push("So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?"); qz.push("So your kids no honor student. Society needs laborers."); qz.push("Solid, liquid and gas - The three states of a burrito"); qz.push("Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry."); qz.push("Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps."); qz.push("Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface."); qz.push("Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!"); qz.push("Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma."); qz.push("South Korea's got Seoul!"); qz.push("Spank me when I'm bad, spank me when I'm good, keep me confused"); qz.push("Speed does not kill. Stopping very quickly kills."); qz.push("Squirrels: Nature's speed bumps."); qz.push("Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!"); qz.push("Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep."); qz.push("Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them."); qz.push("Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view."); qz.push("Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have."); qz.push("Support Mental Health, or I'll Kill You!"); qz.push("Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!"); qz.push("Survive first, then do the long-term planning"); qz.push("Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way."); qz.push("Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!"); qz.push("Thank God I'm an atheist."); qz.push("That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help."); qz.push("That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."); qz.push("The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."); qz.push("The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy."); qz.push("The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux."); qz.push("The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere."); qz.push("The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it."); qz.push("The control key on the keyboard does not work."); qz.push("The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity."); qz.push("The doctor says he has to amputate all of me."); qz.push("The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier."); qz.push("The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance."); qz.push("The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice."); qz.push("The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread."); qz.push("The hypochondriac's epitaph: 'NOW will you believe me?'"); qz.push("The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list."); qz.push("The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake."); qz.push("The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a 'No Exit' sign."); qz.push("The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse."); qz.push("The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it."); qz.push("The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away."); qz.push("The Moral Majority is neither. "); qz.push("The more you complain the longer God makes you live."); qz.push("The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action."); qz.push("The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and try again."); qz.push("The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."); qz.push("The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."); qz.push("The other day I went to the stationery store, but it had moved."); qz.push("The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."); qz.push("The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest, with an axe."); qz.push("The race is not always to the swift, but it's a pretty safe bet."); qz.push("The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach."); qz.push("The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are."); qz.push("The shortest distance between two points is under construction."); qz.push("The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up."); qz.push("The speed of time is one second per second."); qz.push("The sum of the intelligence on the planet is constant, but the population is increasing"); qz.push("The trouble with life is there's no background music. "); qz.push("The universe is not indifferent towards intelligence; it is actively hostile towards it."); qz.push("The world's full of apathy, but I don't care."); qz.push("The worst thing about hell is that you THINK you're having a really good time."); qz.push("Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose."); qz.push("There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to."); qz.push("There's more than one way to skin a cat. Way #15: Krazy Glue and a toothbrush."); qz.push("There's no future in time travel."); qz.push("There's no place like 127.0.0.1"); qz.push("There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes."); qz.push("There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools."); qz.push("There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't."); qz.push("There are some strings. They're just not attached."); qz.push("There are three kinds of people. those who can count and those who can't."); qz.push("There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and"); qz.push("There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about"); qz.push("There must be a God - who pops up the next Kleenex?"); qz.push("They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them."); qz.push("Think globally, Act galactically."); qz.push("This message has been brought to you by the number 5 and the letter F."); qz.push("Time - just one damn thing after another"); qz.push("To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential."); qz.push("To err is human, to moo bovine."); qz.push("To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion."); qz.push("Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum."); qz.push("Too poor to be capitalist, too rich to be communist"); qz.push("Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper."); qz.push("Two can live as cheaply as one what?"); qz.push("Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left."); qz.push("Typographical errors will be found only after the letter is mailed."); qz.push("Unix is not a 'A-ha' experience, it is more of a 'holy-shit' experience."); qz.push("Unlike the cleaning lady, I have to do Windows."); qz.push("Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire."); qz.push("Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter."); qz.push("Veni, Vidi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping."); qz.push("Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered."); qz.push("Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck."); qz.push("Visualize Whirled Peas"); qz.push("Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister."); qz.push("Wanted, Dead or Alive: Schrodinger's Cat."); qz.push("Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship."); qz.push("Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."); qz.push("We are the people our parents warned us about."); qz.push("West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names."); qz.push("What's another word for synonym?"); qz.push("What's the difference between an orange?"); qz.push("What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull."); qz.push("What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?"); qz.push("What if there were no hypothetical situations?"); qz.push("What is a 'free' gift. Aren't all gifts free?"); qz.push("What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?"); qz.push("What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket."); qz.push("What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?"); qz.push("What we need is a patch for stupidity!"); qz.push("What would Gandalf do?"); qz.push("What would Scooby do?"); qz.push("What wouldn't Jesus do?"); qz.push("Whatever goes wrong, there's always someone who knew it would."); qz.push("Whatever happens to you, it will have previously happened to everyone you know, only more so."); qz.push("Whatever hits from the fan will not evenly distribute"); qz.push("Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."); qz.push("When all else fails, lower your standards."); qz.push("When all is said and done, much more is said than done"); qz.push("When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl."); qz.push("When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you."); qz.push("When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate."); qz.push("When is the shit going to stop happening?"); qz.push("When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws."); qz.push("When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?"); qz.push("When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS."); qz.push("Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again."); qz.push("Where there's a will, I want to be in it."); qz.push("While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does."); qz.push("Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings."); qz.push("Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?"); qz.push("Who cares how it works, just as long as it gives the right answer."); qz.push("Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?"); qz.push("Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?"); qz.push("Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?"); qz.push("Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?"); qz.push("Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?"); qz.push("Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny."); qz.push("Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"); qz.push("Why should I grow up? This is more fun!"); qz.push("Wisdom is like an open oven: The food is gone, but the heat remains."); qz.push("Without ME, it's just AWESO."); qz.push("Women libbers are ok. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one."); qz.push("Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place."); qz.push("Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."); qz.push("Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours."); qz.push("Work is the curse of the drinking class."); qz.push("Worry. God knows all about you."); qz.push("Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems?"); qz.push("Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up."); qz.push("Writing about music is like dancing about architecture."); qz.push("You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on."); qz.push("You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core . . . I like that in a person."); qz.push("You've got to take the bitter with the sour"); qz.push("You always find something in the last place you look."); qz.push("You can't fall off the floor."); qz.push("You can't win, you can't break even and you can't get out of the game."); qz.push("You can find out a lot about paranoids just by following them around"); qz.push("You can lead a horse to water, but you can't put a skirt on a truck driver"); qz.push("You can observe a lot by just watching"); qz.push("You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd."); qz.push("You do know what a leading question is, don't you?"); qz.push("You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor."); qz.push("You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing."); qz.push("YOU! Out of the gene pool!"); qz.push("Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot."); qz.push("Your lucky color has faded."); for (i=0;i ct) ix = random(qz.length) - 1; // if already shown this pass get another qc[ix]++; // mark as shown // End of kludge var de = document.getElementById("quote"); var hd = document.getElementById("sub"); var dt = document.createElement("p"); dt.id = "quote"; var tx = document.createTextNode(qz[ix]); dt.appendChild(tx); hd.replaceChild(dt, de); }